My first Fathers Day was actually about two weeks after the birth of my son. It was amazing, I felt like a ‘proper’ dad, which was a really great feeling after having been through some bonding issues. A year later, I celebrated fathers day again with Oren but also, thanks to Steph, with Willow also in mind although she was still a couple of weeks from making her arrival. The DaddyNatal journey had already begun by this point, but celebrating that Fathers day and thinking about what it meant to be dad to both a son and a yet-to-arrive daughter really started to make real to me what antenatal bonding was really about and why it mattered. This year of course I get to do it all again as Dad to Oren and Willow, but also of course, as dad to our unborn son.

I’m not going to write again at length about the importance of antenatal bonding, as it is already covered in this post When does a man become a dad? but also in further detail in my book The Expectant Dads Handbook. What I would like to suggest though, is the idea that Fathers Day is an excellent chance for us to celebrate expectant dads as well. It is a chance for us to encourage them to recognise their role as dad has already begun, to bond with their baby before they are born and start thinking about what kind of dad they are hoping to be. 


If you are a mum-to-be reading this blog, or the friend of a guy who is expecting a baby, why not use this Fathers Day as a chance  to celebrate and support his journey into fatherhood? You could do this through any number of ways, getting him a card from the ‘bump’ or a small gift such as a daddy t-shirt (I have a great one which says Sympathy Bump on it… not sure what Steph was getting at?!)

If you want a Fathers Day gift for the expectant dad which will be useful now, for the birth and beyond, as a special offer I have a limited number of books that I am signing with a personalised message – which you can order here. (Of course, if you don’t want a personalised message, you can also buy it from Amazon, WHSmith, Waterstones and most other good book stores, or for those who prefer to download, it is also available on Kindle and Ebook.)

However you choose to recognise your journey, enjoy it! I am already looking forward to Fathers Day and taking a little time to reflect on being a dad of three!

Before conducting the audit of their website I had a preconceived idea of what I expected to find and must confess I was wrong.

Stokke are a Norwegian company started in 1932 and has been owned by the same family ever since, I find this interesting as in many companies I have looked at those that are family owned do tend to be more dad inclusive.

Their products are extremely attractive and innovative and in their vision statement they claim “In the best interest of the child” which does seem to be born out from what I have seen. These seem to also have strong company ethics of which longevity is at forefront, again claiming to produce products designed to last a lifetime, which from what I have seen certainly seems to be the case with many products able to be adapted as the family ages and moves on. From cots that become junior beds to changing tables that become desks. Their Tripp Trapp chairs are suitable from newborn to adult.

But this isn’t what my audits are about, I want to know what they do to support dads and promote positive imagery if anything

Firstly visiting every page on their website  I looked at whether images used in marketing were using Mum or Dad, images that showed both were discounted for purposes of my figures. Of 53 images used 19 used dads and 34 mums, so Stokke used positive dad images in 36% of their images. Pleasantly surprised as figure certainly higher than I expected and higher than most other brands. Of course I am never satisfied and would love the figure to be even higher but credit where credit due WELL DONE Stokke.

Next was a very subjective scoring system as I looked to rank the pictures in respect of positive reinforcement of dads roles in families. Again very pleasantly surprised and have to say in my opinion 95% of the imagery represents positive reinforcement.

Now what I did find very interesting, and I have no idea if it deliberate of not, but the use of positive dad imagery is higher in the high end price bracket, whilst the cheaper products have few or no dad images.

Now it may be purely coincidence but it suggests their marketing department has come to same conclusions as I talk about, which is simply dads are very involved in buying decisions especially on those of higher values.

I must say I was disappointed to find the Stokke carrier had only a single image of dad against 9 of mum and the flexi bath has no images of dad. Now these are certainly at the lower end in respect of price of Stokke products but to me are two very important products in respect of dads bonding with their children. Baby Wearing and bathing represent superb opportunities for dads to have some daddy time with their children.

Overal Stokke gets a resounding seal of approval from DaddyNatal, they are certainly at the forefront when it comes to inclusive practice of dads in marketing, as well as using positive reinforcement of dads roles in parenting.

So what are your thoughts? Do you agree that Stokke seem to be very dad inclusive?

What other brands do you feel are dad inclusive? Which ones are not? The series will continue as I carry out audits on other brands websites.

It is something Steph and I are always conscious of and we try and ensure that quality time for our children. Sometimes of course this is very difficult when you are also doing something you are so passionate about, or when you are working for yourself or doing a full time job to support your family.

SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make £20 an hour.”
SON: “Oh! (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow £10?”
The father was furious.
DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work too hard everyday for such childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that £10 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

SON: “No daddy, I’m awake”.
DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the £10 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: “Oh, thank you daddy!”
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up notes. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

SON: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.

“Daddy, I have £20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that £20 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

Altough written from a dads perspective to his little girl, I think so relevant for all parents. For our little girls yes, but also for our little boys who i’m sure we all wish to grow up to be that husband.

 
Dear Cutie-Pie,

Daddy

Every time I am speaking at a show, or we are baby shopping, I am forever checking out to see if there are decent dads bags. I tend to also talk to bag sellers to try and encourage them to design a dads bag. There are a plethora of bags for mums, in every colour style and price band imaginable, the same search on Amazon for changing bags for women has 190 results!

Well, finally some one listened!! I met a lady called Charlotte at the Babyexpo in Milton Keynes who produces some beautiful bags under the name Mia Tui, and as usual after complementing her on her bags, I went on to have my discussion around why doesn’t she do one for dads? Well, full credit to her, she listened, we talked and she then designed one! I got to see the results at The Baby Show this February as I was handed one to review. I have to say I was suitably impressed and take my hat off to her for producing both a stylish and functional bag.

It is designed with with two choices of colours -in  brown leather, or the one I prefer, with a grey fabric finish (shown in the picture). Inside it is finished in a great bright blue colour and has various compartments and comes with two clear zip up bags to store things. There is also room to hold drinks bottles, a cord to attach keys to and even a convenient pocket for those that wish to carry a tablet/Ipad type device! So yes, this bag has loads of room to carry all those essential you will need when taking your baby out for the day. Obviously, I am looking at this from a changing bag perspective but this bag is also suitable for general day to day use when it is not needed as a changing bag. It is also priced at a very reasonable £48.00.

So I highly recommend it as a must have for new and expectant dads!

BUT there is one minor thing I have to raise, having designed a bag specifically for us dads, Charlotte has then failed to give herself and her bag the credit it deserves. The write up on her website on the bag does not do it justice, stating:

“Ascot is our new messenger bag for men or ladies

You’ll find our unique interior with multiple pockets, zips, clips and extra clear bags means you never have to dig for a missing key or phone again. And you’ll fit everything you need in one bag to stay looking stylish.”

I’m not sure why, maybe I haven’t convinced her enough of the real need for a decent changing bag for us dads, maybe she doesn’t realise the potential size of the target audience (over 700,000 babies born in UK last year) or maybe she is just  too modest?!

What do you think? Do you agree, did we need a decent dads changing bag? Is there a big enough demand?

The Maclaren BMW Buggy

At around the same time as I decided I wanted to start supporting brands that presented positive reinforcements of dads as parents, I was offered a Maclaren Buggy to review…and not just any buggy but the BMW specification buggy!

 

Now this campaign and product raised some questions in my mind, but more on that later – first lets look at the buggy.

First impressions of the Buggy were very good, it was stylish and lightweight yet seemed robust, to the point where it had started converting me already. You see what the PR who sent me this buggy didn’t know is, I hate buggies!!

Anyway, lets look more closely at the buggy and see what faults I can find? The first thing that really appeals to me is the five point harness system. This is great for real security and the safety of your child, they wont be able to slip down and out of the harnesses unlike some other buggies. Next up is the padded buggy liner, very BMW in styling, but excellent for added comfort for your child and this certainly sets it apart from most. I mean have you looked at most buggies? Is it any surprise you see most children fidgeting and wanting to get out of them?

Another great safety point is the brakes, very easy to engage, and a positive action, so you are confident they are on! Steering the buggy is also very positive, with Willow as my test driver we put it through its paces,  Willow is nearly four, so at the top end of the age for buggies in my opinion.

I have always found that with buggies the steering is very poor and normally you find yourself actually forcing them to turn, especially with a bigger child. Not the case with the Maclaren, steering is light, easy and responsive. The front wheels are not fixed but independently moveable making steering very easy. We have a long drive in our close which is herringbone brick, which basically means bumpy, but the buggy takes it in its stride and even seems to damp the effect.

So what else can I say about this buggy… it is easy to open, lightweight, easy to carry and easy to close down. Even better, it doesn’t take up masses of space in the boot. Recently I started a new job and as a company car have been given a Lexus Ct200 Hybrid which has ridiculously small boot due to the space taken up with the batteries. This made it the perfect test for assessing how compact and easily transportable the buggy can be, and indeed it passed with flying colours as you can see from the photo. The buggy is very compact when closed down and has a neat clip that makes it almost possible to fold single handedly.

So overall, as you may have already gathered, yes I do actually really like the Maclaren BMW buggy, it is well made and certainly does the job. My only real reservation is the price, with a RRP of £279 I feel it is a lot of money.

BUT, going back to the start of my review, I’m also interested in products as they relate to and include dads, so I’m interested in your thoughts. The Maclaren BMW is not the first car associated product, we recently also have also seen the buggy which was linked to Aston Martin.

So dads, here is my question. Does a baby product being named after or having a car manufactuer emblem prominently displayed on it make you more likely to purchase it, or to use it? If you had the choice in a line up, does this make a difference – is this what encourages men to get involved? Or are you concerned with other factors, such as price, features, ease of use, etc? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Baby Beaumont 3

For those of you that have missed it Steph and I are expecting our third child sometime around the end of July beginning of August. If previous form is anything to go by August is more likely. Anyway this has lead me to some serious thinking, hence this post.

With my book “The Expectant Dads Handbook” being published in May this year strangely I have been feeling slightly under pressure to ensure I practice what I preach. This isn’t a problem but it has also led me to consider other things in the run up to the birth of our child.

Some of you will have either read about or heard my appearance on Radio 4’s Womans Hour where i was shouted down after challenging media stereotyping of men as being in a hurry to return to work after is baby born. I have also written about different adverts that we saw over the Christmas period again portraying dads as either useless or lazy. I have also written on the subject of dads in a retailer magazine where i talked about the failure of many brands and retailers to not only embrace the dads but also to use positive images of dads in their marketing.

So again I have decided in my own way to practice what I preach in respect of products we will use for our children and our baby. Over the coming months I will be researching and looking at brands to see who in my opinion are not just paying lip service to dads but who actually take an inclusive attitude towards them. This will be not only their marketing but also the design and thought behind their products. As far as retailers go I will be looking at their marketing, from images used to information provided, as many of them also now include tips and advice pages I will also be looking at those and seeing if again they are truly looking to support dads and have taken the time to get proper advice or whether it is just rehashed stereotypical trash.

I will not only be naming those that I feel are giving the right messages I also intend to shame those I feel are ignoring dads or are reinforcing unhelpful stereotypes.

Mums and Dads please join in with me, tell me those brands and companies you feel are either positive or need shaming. Join me in buying from brands that include dads and use positive imagery and stop buying brands and from retailers that do not. The way to start changing attitudes and getting more positive reinforcement is by showing them that dads are equal parents and we are also involved in buying decisions.

Brands have the power to change attitudes, they can start to challenge media stereotypes, they spend millions each year on marketing, all we are saying is how about including some positive images of dads.

Here are couple of great images from couple of leading brands, can you spot who?

TODAY WE START TO SEND THE MESSAGE “DADS COUNT”

Mickey and Minnie welcome us to the show

Last weekend we were fortunate enough to go and see Disney on Ice at the Capital FM arena in Nottingham. SO first up huge thank you to Dadzclub for sending the tickets in exchange for this review.

From the minute that Mickey and Minnie welcomed us to the show our children were entranced. I don’t think Oren took his eyes off of the ice for the whole show.

Donald and Daisy on Valentines

The theme for this year was celebrations through the year with some very loose definitions of celebrations but we saw them skate out to Birthdays, Halloween, Valentines day, also Mardi Gras, Summer Holidays and of course finishing with Christmas. We saw Mickie and MInnie, Donald and Daisy, Goofy and Pluto, not to mention Beauty and Beast, Jasmine and Aladdin not to mention cinderella and snow white.

Halloween

Of course we also had the baddies, so Captain Hook, Jack Skellington, Cruella de Vil and a cast of Zombies, witches and other Disney Baddies took centre stage during the Halloween section

As I said the kids loved it and to be honest so did I, the costumes were great, the whole show just flowed seamlessly and the skating was first class. Some of the tricks, jumps and spins were quite breathtaking to watch and the show obviously has some extremely talented world class skaters.

I was surprised at the amount of scenery changes that also took place, and the way in which so much was changed so easily by dropping various scenery from ceiling. We had great lighting, video screens and fireworks, everything you need for a good show.

To be honest, and I don’t know why, it wasn’t the sort of show that I would have even considered taking the kids to, I had seen it advertised but hadn’t appealed. Now I am a convert and will definitely be keeping an eye out for dates next year.

The organisation and the arena was impressive, and admittedly we chose the morning show, but even so they had plenty of staff to help. Queues to get tickets checked and entry to arena were almost none existent.

All sounds great doesn’t it? Well yes it was from show point of view and as far as children were concerned they loved it, but I certainly do have a few niggles about the whole day. Given that we were fortunate to be given our tickets we still managed to spend £42.00 within minutes of setting for inside the arena. And in total the two hours there cost us over £60.00. The prices of some items there were in my opinion obscene, Candy Floss with very cheap hat £8.00 Popcorn tub £8.00 (poor quality popcorn no less) Spinning lights for the kids £16.00 Program £10.00. I saw more than a few tantrums spoiling peoples days as children clamoured for the items and parents were apologising and stating they simply couldn’t afford them. Add to those costs ticket prices  ranging from £22.00 to £36.00 it becomes very expensive day out and looking back I am now not surprised that the arena couldn’t have been more than 60% sold out on our show.

I had the pleasure of being a guest on Woman’s Hour today (Tuesday 29^th January 2013). The discussion was around Fatherhood at birth and in the early days, and we were considering some of the research which Tina Miller has recently highlighted in a piece for the Practicing Midwife.

The majority of Tina’s initial conclusions, I wholeheartedly agree with – and I am delighted that someone is once again bringing this subject to attention. She highlights the fact that expectations of men’s roles have not kept pace with support for them to fulfil these roles. She questions what needs to change in maternity practices in order to make sure that men are supported. She highlights some of the key issues around men also suffering birth trauma, but there being a lack of services designed for them to be able to debrief what they have experienced or get support after the birth.

Reading all of this makes me shout YES very loudly, as anyone who has been reading my blog, attended an event where I have spoken or come to one of my classes will know, these are key topics I feel passionately about.

The debate today was interesting though – to be honest I was expecting more agreement than  debate – but from the small amount of time which we had, what was clear was that there was A LOT up for discussion!

Men at Birth

Tina Miller did suggest at one point that at birth men often feel displaced due to the fact that they see their role as to make sure the birth plan is stuck too, and that when that doesn’t become possible that men often feel they have failed in their role. Her suggestion was that perhaps men need more realistic expectations about their role and ability to influence the birth plan. I didn’t get an opportunity to come back on this point, which is probably for the best as it is such a complex subject, we could have spent hours debating it. But her viewpoint is contradictory to one I hold. I don’t believe that the way to make sure that fathers do not feel like failures in the birthing environment is to lower their expectations and suggest to them that they have little influence over the birth plan. I don’t believe this at all, and I teach the opposite. Men are advocates of the birth plan, HOWEVER, it is important they understand how to do this, when and what the limitations are. Yes, if men expect to be advocates of the birth plan but have no idea how to fulfill this role, they have been failed in their antenatal preparation.  The reality is that too many couples write birth plans, not understanding that the plan begins BEFORE the birth. There are steps/actions/choices which often need to be considered before labour or birth are even underway – not doing this, makes fulfilling a birth plan later on incredibly difficult and sometimes impossible.

Men have a key role in acting as advocate for their birth partner, and making sure that key wishes of the birth plan are understood. This does not mean that every point on a birth plan will necessarily become a reality, but in this case, if they understand why and what their options are instead so that informed choices can be made at that point, that father will still be empowered as the birth plan can be adapted in the new circumstances. Amending details of the birth plan involves empowering the parents with informed consent, which is very different from the idea of the birth plan ‘going out the window’ and the parents having no voice in a change in direction of care.

I am not saying this approach will negate all instances of sense of guilt if things don’t go to plan, there are no guarantees, but I know from our feedback and case studies over the years, it does make a difference in the vast majority of cases.

The point is should we be disempowering men in the birthing environment or empowering them? It is certainly easier and quicker to minimize their role and disempower them, but of greater personal and familial benefit to empower.

Early Fatherhood

One of the most interesting points we disagreed on at the end of the piece, was the offhand generalization which Tina Miller made about the fact that ‘men are keen to get back to work after paternity leave’. I challenged this as not being true of all men, as again through my work and research, this has not been demonstrated to be at all true. I was shouted down by the fact that the dads who come to DaddyNatal are ‘different’ to which I once again tried to explain that I was not referring to just those dads.

This point alone has stimulated many comments via Twitter, Facebook and email.

Some of these, from fathers themselves (who have incidentally NOT attended a DaddyNatal class):

The only reason I was keen to try and keep things going with work was the fact that I was (and still am) self employed but that’s it. I was willing, able and keen to be thoroughly involved with looking after my son and given the lack of family locally to help it was a necessity. – Martin

I am a Stay @ Home Dad and Freelance trainer since we had our first child, now have 3 (3 yrs, 19 mths and 11wks)! – Andrew

Some of these comments from mums, who do not recognize that attitude in their partners:

My partner didn’t want to rush back to work as he is very involved with childcare. He booked time off so he could have more much wanted time at home. Current maternity and paternity packages are outdated and sexist. – Jenny

I didn’t hear the piece on the radio but my husband hated going back to work and apologises to me every morning that he has to go. He would love to stay at home with us. He just makes the most of what time he does have at home. – Hannah

This piece written about a dads perspective of going back to work, would also make interesting reading for the ladies on the Woman’s Hour panel:

A father’s view of going back to work: ‘I felt genuinely devastated’ – The Guardian, August 2010

(and no, he didn’t do DaddyNatal classes either!)

And what about this evidence?

Statistics released just this month show that men now make up 10% of the full time carers at home. This is a significant rise – clearly these men are not desperate to get away from home!

The Equalities and Human Rights Commission found that 53% of fathers with children under 1 say they don’t spend enough time with their children and that Dads are twice as likely as mums to feel that they want more time at home with their kids.

A YouGov survey (Work-life balance: working for fathers?  - Working Families 2010) found that 55% of fathers take their full paternity leave. Of those who haven’t, 88% would have liked to but could not afford it 49% or felt that they were too busy or their employer would not look favourably upon it 19%

Yes, I don’t doubt some men do look forward to a return to work, but to stereotype the fact that MOST men do is not only wrong, but it is harmful. It is a continuation of the inherent bias within the maternity system, which is continues to alienate men – which highly ironically, flies in opposition of what the study we were discussing today recommends.

My Conclusions…

The question, whether looking at men at birth, or early fatherhood at home is HOW can we expect men to be more equally involved and fulfilling these new societal roles and expectations, if the assumptions and stereotypes held about them not being capable or wanting to be involved don’t ever evolve? Statements like ‘dads only role is really be present at birth’ or ‘dads cant wait to get back to work after baby arrives’ are not innocent statements. They are loaded with assumption, bias and prejudice. Imagine you heard someone saying that about YOU, what underlying message are they conveying? It’s certainly not a positive one?

There IS a shift. Dads want to be involved. But guess what? If we keep reinforcing stereotypes that men are not interested and engaged, then it is made impossible for them to be.

If dads are to be truly empowered, then it has to be with no limiting-assumptions by those in the professional arena around then. We have to just expect that men will want to join in, this is the only way it can be made accessible to them.

When I set up DaddyNatal 4 years ago, everywhere I went I was faced with people who openly laughed in my face and told me it wouldn’t catch on. Even just in those 4 years, I have seen a shift, less people laugh and more people recognize the difference a properly supported dad can make. My inbox today is full of emails from people who heard the Woman’s Hour piece – many write saying how the DaddyNatal approach is so needed in their place of work (which are on the whole, maternity units), or individual parents writing to tell me their stories and asking for support. A lot of these emails are sensitive and confidential, so I won’t share them here, but the reality is that times are changing. It is still a slow uphill climb, but through our work at DaddyNatal and of course BabyNatal, we will continue to call people on their stereotypes and assumptions.

Dads are not a joke, not incompetent, and not to be humoured. Dads are parents just as much as mums are – its time they we were treated with the same respect.

We are pleased to announce that by our very technical system of deciding winner (all names on pieces of paper and drawn from hat) the winner is…………….

DYLAN

can you please email me dean@daddynatal.co.uk with your name and address.

Prizes have to be claimed within 7 days otherwise a new winner will be drawn.

Thank you all for your entries, please keep checking baby as we will be running plenty of competitions to win lovely Gro prizes