Dads, PAY ATTENTION!
In my previous blog, I talked about your role in labour as being twofold. First, you are your partner’s ‘protector’ but secondly, and just as crucially, you have a role as her ‘advocate’. So what do I mean by advocate?
The dictionary definition is:-
n [ˈædvəkɪt -ˌkeɪt]
1. a person who upholds or defends a cause; supporter
2. a person who intercedes on behalf of another
This quite accurately defines your role, but you cannot advocate successfully if you don’t understand what your partner’s wishes are. Advocacy starts now, not just during labour! (We will focus on labour and birth here but the same rules apply during pregnancy and when baby joins you.)
In all things relating to labour and birth, you need to sit down together and talk things through. Look at what choices you might be presented with. Discuss induction, if it is offered, do you want to be induced? If not, what do you want to do instead? If you are offered induction, what methods are you willing to use? What about pain relief? Do you feel strongly about it? What types of pain relief are you willing to use if needed? What are you dead against, if any?
You should try and look at as many possible outcomes as possible, although you don’t need to discuss them all in depth and over analyse! Communicate and reach a decision which you both feel comfortable with. I suggest you write a birth plan detailing these preferences, you can give a copy to your midwife in labour, so she knows in advance what kind of birth you would like her to help facilitate. It is also for your own benefit, having a copy you can refer to in the heat of the moment can be helpful.
You should both be happy with your decisions, but if you cannot agree, then (sorry guys) your partners wishes come first. You have to accept this, and still advocate her wishes regardless of your own feelings. A true advocate always puts forward the viewpoint of the person they are advocating for, regardless of their own feelings on the matter. It is also crucial for the birth process that your partner has complete trust that you will honour her wishes. Preparation here is the key to successfully advocating on behalf of your partner.
So how do you do it?
Firstly, you can use your advocate role in conjunction with your protector role.
Most women when labouring, in the right environment, will zone out. During contractions they will almost go in to themselves and be focused on what they are doing. You need to protect that state. NOBODY, not you, not the midwife, no one should ask her a question during contraction. If anyone does ask her a question, you will advocate for her, NOT by speaking on her behalf, but by gently asking the person to wait a moment and re ask the question when the contraction has passed.
During labour, you partner may be offered pain relief or other interventions. Here, your role as her advocate is to ensure that the wishes that you have DISCUSSED are respected. Your partner during labour will be vulnerable, she will not generally feel in a position to argue or even refuse interventions she doesn’t want, this will be YOUR job. You will need to explain on her behalf her choices, you need ensure these are respected and she isn’t pressured in to anything you or more importantly SHE isn’t comfortable with.
One question I get asked a lot is ‘What if she changes her mind about something on the birth plan, when she is actually in labour?’ How do you know, so you can advocate for her accordingly? There is a special DaddyNatal technique for this, this is where our CODEWORD principle comes in. This technique allows mum to signal she has changed her mind about something, but leaves her to feel safe to know that her original wishes will be respected until this moment. More about this in a later blog 😉
This role does not end with the birth of your child, once your child is born you will be advocating on your partners wishes regarding the third stage of labour. If your partner has decided to have unassisted third stage, one of you needs to let the midwife know. If you see that injection being prepared without having been asked (rare, but I have known cases where this was the case) you may need to physically get in the way of the injection, until you explain she doesn’t want it!
You will have some decisions to make regarding, chord cutting, injections, examinations. You should also be aware of these choices, discuss them beforehand, and then ensure those decisions made on behalf of your partner AND baby are respected.
Both your roles during labour can feel intimidating, but being prepared is the key. TALK about the choices and possibilities beforehand. It is very difficult to advocate for someone, when you do not know what their preferences are.
I will also be writing about two key tools to use in your role in later pieces. So please, keep coming back for updates or subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss them.
Better still book yourself onto a DaddyNatal course and learn all these tools first hand!